Trojan Horse

Some idiot turned the corner of the isle too fast and ran directly into the front of Linda’s shopping chart before she had a chance to maneuver out of the way. Linda’s was about to say: watch where you’re going bitch!, but before the words hit her lips, the baby in the infant carrier started screaming his head off.

“God dammit,” she cursed under her breath, and then to the baby, “shhh, go back to sleep.”

“Linda? Linda is that you? Oh my god! It is you! How have you been!”

Shit, Linda thought, I don’t have time for this. She tried her best to hide the look of contempt in her eyes before she looked up at the lady who ran into her. The fake smile she plastered on almost vanished the second she locked eyes with the other women. Standing there with a fat face, stupid grin, thick glasses and acne was a girl she had gone to high school with and was forced to sit next to in several of her classes. Shelly Scumaker. With a name like Shelly Scumaker it was not hard at all for the other girls in their school to come up with some interesting nicknames they could call her behind her back. The problem for Linda was that just by being the one assigned to the sit next to Scum-Sucker, (her personal favorite nickname) her own social status had suffered, and that was reason enough for her to hate the girl’s guts.

“Oh… Hello Sc–, Shelly.”

“Wow, I haven’t seen you in like forever!” She said excitedly. She either did not pick up on almost being called Scum-Sucker or chose to ignore it.

“Yeah. Long Time.”

She tried not to look Scum-Sucker in the eyes, it was much too hard to fake liking someone when you look at them directly, instead she looked at the end display case and noticed; Oreo Cookies were currently on-sale, two for the price of one. Yum.

“I thought you moved away! When did you get home?”

God would this bitch just go away?

Linda had moved away about a year ago. She left home to stay with her boyfriend Greg in his parents basement. He have lived in the next town over.

“Last week.” Ooh, look at that, .99 off cream cheese.

The Baby let out a loud belch. Scum-sucker looked down and saw the child sitting there. Her jaw dropped open with shock.

“Oh my god! Is he yours?! I didn’t know you and Greg was having a baby. What’s his name?!”



“Wow! That’s So great. I’m so happy for you. Why didn’t you call and tell me? This is awesome” … Blah Blah Blah. Remember to get formula. Blah Blah… Do you need a sitter! I would love to.–“

“No. I’m Good.” That should shut her up.

“Oh O.K. So where is Mr. Wonderful?!”

Linda blinked twice. Get the hint, damn. Shelly copied her. For-Christ-sake. Fine!

“We broke up.”

Shelly looked at the baby and gasped, “You’re kidding me!” No bitch, I’m not…

“Yeah.” …and here comes the million dollar question.

“I’m sorry!” Shelly leaned in and Squeaked, “What in the world happened?”

The dreaded memory ran through Linda’s mind once again:
It was just over 9 months ago. She was laying in Greg’s bed naked. Greg stumbled into the room. He was probably still hung over from the night before. The clock said it was 5:19 AM. She could still hear people downstairs. People who were still drinking and listening to music. Greg had been passed out cold in the downstairs bathroom. She had figured he wouldn’t wake up for hours longer, but here he was, crawling into bed with her. At first she thought he would just pass back out so she pretended to be asleep. But once he noticed that she was naked he immediately sprung into action. Guys. But… fine, why not? He’s drunk, won’t take too long.

They started fooling around some.

She started breathing heavily.

Greg suddenly stopped.

“What the fuck?” he whispered. He rolled over and fumbled for the light switch.

“Can’t get it up big boy?” Linda laughed.

Light filled the room and Linda had to cover her eyes from the sudden brightness. But she could hear Greg retching. Then she heard the sound, the sound that everyone who has ever had way to much to drink, has heard. The sound of chunky liquid projected at an unintended target. In this case it was the floor.

“Eww Greg! go get a trashcan or something!”

“Oh. My. God” He said between hacking coughs. He jumped out of bed.

“Ugh! That stinks!” She felt like she was going to throw-up herself. “What the hell! Go back downstairs to the bathroom!”

Greg stood there with his mouth hanging open and a strand of saliva stretching down his chin. He looked at her in a way that she did not like.

“You.” He said.

“Me? You’re the one who puked on the floor asshole!” MEN!

“You…” He waved a finger at her, “You.. you…”

“Go clean up damn it.”

“Linda, did you cheat on me in my own house?”

“Go get a towel and cle–” Wait, did he just say what I think he said? “What? Cheat on you? What is your malfunction?!”

“You Bitch. Get your shit and get the fuck out of my house.”

“You’re a drunk dip-shit. I’m going to bed, you go pass-out somewhere limp dick.” She rolled over and closed her eyes. Why would he say that?

“I said get the fuck out!”

What would give him that idea?

She rolled back over and looked him dead in the eyes. “I did not cheat on you. What the fuck would make you think that?”

He pointed at the floor. She looked at him like he was a stupid dog.

“Look, he said, “Just. Fucking. Look.”

Whatever. He had nothing on her.

She leaned her head over the edge of the bed and half covered in puke was a unrolled condom.

It seemed as if the party downstairs had just stopped and everyone was outside the bedroom door listing to their argument. The world was dead silent as Linda looked at that chunk-covered condom.

There has to be an explanation. Think.

Then, “Greg,” she said evenly, “we had a party. some of your pals must have snuck up here and had sex while we were downstairs drinking. It’s just a condom one of them left on your floor. No big deal honey.”

“Linda, he spoke just as calmly as she had, “you’re absolutely right, we did have a party. And surely some of my pals snuck up here and had sex. Probably while I was passed out in the bathroom. But the problem is… the problem is… that I didn’t find the condom on the floor… Oh no Linda, I found that condom in YOU! You skanky whore!”

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

She snapped back to the present:
Linda blinked at Shelly. Shelly Blinked back. Linda looked down at the baby. He looked back and snorted. God, he was an ugly baby. Fuck. She turned her eyes back to Shelly. Five seconds must have passed. Shelly just stood staring in anticipation. With her fat stupid face and stupid glasses, and stupid acne. Not to mention her stupid crooked smile that spewed her stupid judgmental morals. The Bitch, the Scum-sucker. So what if I lost a guy who got drafted to play professional football. So what if I had to move back in with my mother. So what if I gained sixty pounds and live off of welfare. And so fucking what if I screwed a bunch of guys one night and one of them lost a condom in me which got me knocked up with a bastard kid… Who’s she to judge me? She wants an answer? Does she?! Fine!

“Well… ” Linda said, “I guess he didn’t like what he found in me.”

Ignoring what Shelly was now saying; she grabbed two packs of cookies off the rack, tossed them into the cart, and sped off in the direction of the baby formula.




  1. tanya  November 6, 2007

    how the hell do you come up with this stuff? lol. when’s the next chapter? i wanna know what happened….or how what already happened happened!

  2. Ashley  November 7, 2007

    Lmao. “I guess he just didn’t like what he found in me.” That was great. You need to keep writing.


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