Hey, don’t get me wrong, I love my wife. I really, really do. She’s a Great Girl. But sometimes… Grrr! I’m sure you guys know what I’m sayin’, right?
I once told her I’d go to hell and back for her. You know, just trying to be one of those sweet husband that they are always pretending they want. Seemed like a good declaration of love as any. But after some serious consideration, I realize that I fucked up by choosing that, instead of something more simple, like, oh I don’t know, maybe, “I Love You”? I know what your thinking. ‘I love yous’ aren’t very goddamn manly, right? You’d rather say something like, “I’d slay ten-thousand kittens in your name.” Yes, I did just make that up off the top of my head. And yes, it is pretty kick ass. Chuck Norris might even be proud.
So anyway lets not dilly-dally on dead kittens or on Chuck the great. I’m trying to tell a story here. Just to refresh your memories, I told my wife that I’d go to hell and back for her. Now, being a woman, she accused me of insincerity, and she wanted to test me on it, you know, to make sure I was telling the truth and all. Grr! Right guys?
“Fuck!” I said. And then added, in the deepest manly voice I could muster, “Fine, lets do this!”
Man, I couldn’t even begin to tell you how long it took me. Blood, sweat and tears and lots of lots of pain. It seemed like it would take forever. It seemed like I would fail. Fuck that. So what if the fire and brimstone were hot enough to melt my two hairy boys into one supper gonad. I’m a man. I stuck with it. And eventually, I fucking I made it. That’s right bitches. Hell: Population 99.5% of everyone who has ever died. Where do I get the postcard!
But really, to calibrate now would be like premature ejaculation. As in, way to fucking early because I’m only half way there baby. Don’t try to kid your self, hell, it sucks. First and foremost, the weather. One word: Sucks. But also: The food sucks. The hotel sucks. That big red mother fucker with his big red mother fuckin’ dick. He sucks. Everything there sucks. I shit you not. Naturally I wanted to get the fuck out of there ASAP.
You’re probably thinking that if it were you, you’d already been up out of that joint. Slow your role, chief. Shit ain’t that simple. I called my wife. Wanted to let her know that she could stop trippin’. I’m half way there and I’d be back before she’d miss me.
Wanna know what my wife said? She told I did a good. She insisted that I don’t do the “and back part”. I reminded her that I was going to go to Hell AND back. What the fuck was this Bullshit?
She went ahead and reminded me of this argument we had the night I left….
“I told your dumb ass to go to hell,” She said, “but I never mentioned nothing about you coming back.” I’m going to choke that bitch if I ever see her again.
Anyone got any boys down here that’d be willing to let me crash on a couch? Hook a brotha up.Share