The Traffic Stop

It was about 1:30 A.M. I was driving down a side road coming up to a stop sign. I flick on my left blinker and make the turn on to the highway. It seemed like I was the only car on the road.

Then I see headlights behind me and the car is fast approaching. I weave into the far right lane to let this guy go by but instead of speeding past, he mimicked me and got back behind me.

I was about to break check the asshole to get him to back off. I’m glad I didn’t because a second later I’m blinded by a spot light and I see the dreaded blue & red flashes of a police cruiser.

This was my thought process: Fuck. Fuck. FUCK. FUUUCCCKK!

I pull over.

I had about 10 seconds to think before the cop walked up to the window. I could have wound it down but I was playing it cool. I waited until he tapped on the glass.

The window’s down and I’m look at him and he’s blinding me with his flashlight.

I raise my eyebrows and nod. It’s the universal sign for ‘wazzup’.

Mt heart is pounding. I still wasn’t sure how to handle this….situation. A second passes. For some reason I think of the movie ‘Clerks’

“Where you coming from tonight?” He asked.

Hmmm, I think.

I look over my shoulder and give a quick head nudge in the direction I was driving from. This could be called the universal sign for ‘Back that way dumb ass’


You just can’t trust the police these days. Anyone can end up tazered, maced, or dead. So I take note of his posture. Even though I can’t see with the light in my eyes I am well aware that his other hand is on the butt of his gun.

I gotta say, It was a nice night out, but not nice enough where as if I got shot it wouldn’t ruin it, so I didn’t want to make any sudden movements.

I over exaggerate a frown.

“Sir did you hear what I asked you?”

I nod ‘yes’. I then give him my impatient look followed up with me nodding to the empty seat next to me a few times.

I’m sure he was confused but finally the light moved from my face to the passenger seat. I risked moving my hand off the wheel, but slowly, very slowly, I made a writing in the air motion with my hand, and then I cautiously reached across the center console towards that seat.

I just knew he must be getting tensed but I kept reaching.

Hearing no gunshot, which was a good sign, I lifted up my jacket that I had on the seat, again, very slowly. Underneath was a notepad I had sitting there for when I get a good idea, I can record it.

Once he noticed I wasn’t going for a weapon I think he relaxed.


I quickly jotted a note and showed him. ‘Sorry about that.’

“Are you… deaf?” I shook my head no.

‘Mute. I hear you fine.’

“I see… O.K. Then. We’ll take this slow. Where ya headed?”

‘Home’ I wrote.

“Do you know why I stopped you.”

‘Not a clue officer.’

“You didn’t come to a complete stop at the sign before you pulled out onto the highway. I know it’s late but if anyone out here has been drinking, they could easily cause an accident.”

‘I didn’t realize. My apologies.’

“I’ll let you go with a warning but be more careful.”

‘Thank you, Sir.’

“Alright, well you have a good night.”

He walked back to his car. I hear his door slam as he got in.

‘Holly Shit’, I think.

I fumble around with stuff in the car buying time. I don’t know why. I should have just drove off.

The flashing red and blue lights cut off.

I’m pretending to write something on my pad just to buy a few more seconds, I put my coat on.

Finally the cop decides I’m not ready to pull off yet, so he does what I wanted him to do and pulls past me.

I smile and I wave as he drives by and starts to accelerate away.

That’s what I was waiting for. I am such an asshole sometime, but I can’t help myself…

I stuck my head out the window and shouted “You have a great nice too, Officer!”

His break lights came on for a split second then went back off. I imagine he thought he was hearing things because he didn’t slam on his breaks and come back to kick my ass. I am laughing hysterically as I put my car into drive and pull away….

If I am willing to pretend to be a hot twenty something girl looking for sex online, or a recruiter looking to higher someone for a dream job, or a dozen other shady things to make money, you better believe that if I’ve had a night full of drinking, got pulled over by a cop, and I knew that he would have smelled the wonderfully great Jack Daniels on my breath and would have, without a doubt, locked my drunk ass up… well then, my friends, I can certainly pretend to be a mute.

Yeah, like I said, I’m an asshole, but I’m a black hat marketing asshole and that’s what counts most.

//Hope you guys like it. Inspired by having a cop pull behind me tonight and I was thinking: ‘Fuck, what do I do if this guy pulls me over.’ //


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