I stopped there on a trip to see my family. It is by far the worst place I have ever stayed. I had planned on staying for 3 nights but left after the first one. You would not believe how utterly repulsing this owner was!

When I arrived this old man was watching, which I’m pretty sure was Fox News. They were doing a piece on that one F’d up church. You know those guys who protest funerals of soldiers and spout off the ‘God hates fags’. So I see him like shaking his head slightly so I make this comment: “Yeah, I know right. Those people piss me off too.”

Immediately he shot me this evil look one of which I will never forget and he said: “Those people are God’s Heroes. You don’t like it then you can get out.”

I thought it must have been some kind of joke that I didn’t get so i went and checked in anyhow. BAD MOVE on my part.

Now I won’t lie, this is partly my fault what happened next. I had a lil’ pot so I figured I’d smoke a quick doobie in the bathroom. The second I took a hit the phone Rang and I answered it with coughing / curious ‘hello’. Coughing because it was some harsh shit and curious because I hadn’t told anyone where I was staying yet.

It was the old man.

“what is that?”

“Huh”

“You smoking some of that devil grass in my room son. I’ve called to cops. Get out.”

I hung up the phone and then looked at my joint and thought NO WAY! I seriously was considering that someone had sold me some laced that was making me trip. But no, this was real, because a minute later the owner was banging on my door.

“Open the door and come out here!”

I didn’t say shit, i was too busy spraying Pledge in the Air. Yeah, what ever, there wasn’t any air freshener in the bathroom, pledge would just have to do.

“Open the door Son!”

“Just a minute.”

“I’m counting to three then I’m going to come in there and shoot you for trespassing.” But the way he said it the word to sounded like ‘ta’s and you sounded like ‘yer’.

FUCK!!!

At this point I hear a siren in the distance and growing louder so I’m thinking it’s the cop he called but I peak out the window and sure enough he’s holding a shotgun of some sort.

“OK! I’m coming out” I say.

I open the door and this guy shoves this gun in my face.

Survival mode kicked in. I’m thinking this guy is going to kill me so I whistled for a cab and when it came near The license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror. If anything I could say that this cab was rare. But I thought, “Nah, forget it. Yo Homes.. To Bel-Air!”

A “Bel-Air” is a 4chan /b/ copypasta meme for which Anonymous will start off with a story about some provocative subject (usually incest with your little sister), and right around the climax of said story, interject with my mom got scared, and said, “You’re movin’ with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air.” I whistled for a cab and when it came near The license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror. If anything I could say that this cab was rare, but I thought, “Nah, forget it. Yo, holmes to Bel-Air!” I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 and I yelled to the cabbie, “Yo holmes smell ya later!” Looked at my kingdom I was finally there, to sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air.