Robin's Birthday Bash

Robin’s Birthday: The series of events from my point of view 2 PM Saturday until 2 AM Sunday.

Recipe:
1 surprise birthday party
1 bottle of grey goose
1 bottle of yeggermeister


2 containers of cranberry juice
8 can’s of red bull
12 packs of various beer’s
10 friends with a history of drunken stupidity
Add Ingredients to:
20 Passenger escalade limousine
Mix with:
Trip to D.C.and Baltimore Bars
Robin;s Birthday Pictures
Limo Pictures

For the past 2 weeks I’ve been secretly planing my wife’s birthday with the help of one of her friends. her 21’st birthday wasn’t anything special. we didn’t have much money after buying our house, so I wanted to make it up to her this year.

As far as I know she didn’t have any idea what was going on. when she asked me what we might be doing for her birthday i told her that I had know idea she wanted to go out. i told her if she wanted to go out she should have told me that. i was acting upset and apologetic. she was so pissed. i loved it.

She had called her friend Ella, bitching about how i didn’t have any plans for her birthday. Ella knew the deal. on perfect cue she told robin that she would go out and celebrate her birthday. i was a jerk…but she couldn’t…she was called into work…maybe later though…she was sorry. Robin took it hook, line and sinker. Ella is almost as good a ninja as i am.

Stacy, Jessica, and Holly are her other friends it was risky telling them about the party to soon. girls like to talk. ex specially these three. between them, no secret is safe. i didn’t want robin to find out. however, not giving them advanced notice would risk them not being able to come. I told them and also threatened them with death. I can’t be 100 ure that one of them didn’t tip off robin, I have my suspicions but the look on her face seemed authentic.

The day of the party robin left with out me to go visit family back in MD. I gave a lame excuse that i didn’t want to go with because i wanted to go to sleep and would head down later. I did sleep actually but the truth is i wanted to have my own car so i could start getting things ready for the night.

When i woke up it was around 2 PM. oops. Showered, Didn’t Shave, Dressed, and Left. on the way down i got in touch with Ella so she could go to the mall and help me shop for robins gift. i always wait till the last minute, so what.

driving around in circles for awhile, I found Ella’s place. we went to the mall. she was mad because i am clueless about women and what they want. she kept telling me to buy her jewelry and i would explain she has enough jewelry. we looked at cloths for her and i picked up a winter coat with some dead baby seal fuzzy thing around the hood. Ella gave me a very nasty look. i put the jacket back on the rack and chose not to press my luck by picking up something else. how about a birthday card she would say. sure, but i wasn’t going to sign my name to it. (it’s a long story) she didn’t even bother to ask me why not and just shot me another evil look. everyone loves me. she suggested perfume. so we went to Victoria’s secret and i look at the price. $30.00 for the perfume. i grab the gift box with perfume and lotion. rang up at around $70.00. fuck. i said under my breath. Ella heard me. she called me a cheap ass. the cashier heard us and even though she was smiling, her eyes showed she agreed with Ella. like i said, everyone loves me.

So we left the mall. time is now about 6:30. It hits me that i haven’t eaten in over 24 hours. Ella was in a rush to get back to start getting ready but knowing that a long night of drinking lay ahead, she thought we should stop too.

Pizza hut. my old stompin’ ground. from age 17-19 i slaved as a cook. We go in there and our waitress ends up being someone who knows me. knows my wife. and also know the girl I’m with isn’t my wife. I felt i should explain. the explanation made me look guilty. I got the “it’s not my business but if i see your wife I’m telling look” we ordered a pizza, ate a slice each and boxed up the rest for the people at the party.

While waiting, Stacy called and told me she had seen a limo at her house at 6PM then when she went to talk to the guy he took off. i was worried so i called the limo place and they said everything was fine and they’ll be there at 9 PM with the 10 passenger limo…oh, wait, he said. Shit..whats the problem. It looks like they are upgrading your limo to the 20 passenger escalade. Silence.he asked if i was still there. i asked him to repeat that. he said it again. Jackpot. Thanks i say, and hung up.

I left a $5 Tip and under my breath i reassured myself that i was not a cheap bastard. Ella still thinks so though.

I started calling people to fill the extra space. I quickly realized it might not be a good idea to add anyone else to the party. some of these people can get out of hand and need some adult supervision. i wanted my wife to have a good time and i really didn’t want to babysit any drunken bastards so we set the limit at 12 people.

Robin called a few times. I really didn’t want to talk because i was worried that she would ask to many questions of where i was and what i was doing. meanwhile Ella starts talking about things like wanting to get married, etc. etc. Grreeeaaaat. that’s cool i tell her but I’m all ready married. she Say’s shut up, Kris. sorry i say. then I try to redeem myself and tell her she could marry Robin. She obviously didn’t see i was just trying to be nice.

We get back to Ella’s she says it would take her an hour to get ready. it’s now 7:30. she says not to bother her so she can hurry. i go and talk to her Italian roommate. they have a bearded dragon lizard thing name jimmy. i determine bearded dragon lizards are cool. me and jimmy became friends. jimmy got pissed off and hissed at me. to her Italian roommate Ben, I say that jimmy is like a hairless scaled pissed off cat. Ben didn’t hear jimmy hiss, so he didn’t know what the hell i was talking about and just game me a “WTF” look. never mind i say, and put jimmy back.

Ella is done getting ready. i look at my watch. it only took her 25 minutes. 7:55 back on schedule. Stacy calls and says robin showed up at her house. I told Stacy to hide the cupcakes! Ben looked at me funny again. I told Stacy to play it off, to improvise and not let on whats going on. It didn’t matter people were showing up already and robin’s I.Q. is high enough to know they’re there for her. oh well she still didn’t know what was happening.

Ella and i leave to go pick up our friends Lil’ Gay Steve and Phil. Lil Gay Steve is in fact gay but doesn’t act like it hardly and prefers to just be called “Steve” Phil on the other hand isn’t gay they are just friends and happened to be at Phil’s house. Just wanted to clear that up.

So we get Steve and Phil in the truck and head to Stacy and Paco’s . Paco is her future husband and a good friend. kind of like how hank hill and boomhower gets along. you know, when you can just drink beer and say “yup” and “uh-huh” and not have to make petty conversation.

well it only took 45 seconds for Steve and Ella to hit it off and start talking about gay bars and dudes and girlie shit. Phil and I are quite. I turn up the radio. no one pays attention. i turn it up more, and more and more. the talking stops. I look over and in the rear view mirror. Steve and Ella are giving me the “dude stop being a dick look” i turn off the radio and say sorry. they start talking again. Phil starts talking about star wars galaxies. I nod like I’m listening but really couldn’t care less about his game. sorry Phil.

We get to Stacy and Paco’s at around 8:45. Robin is happy to see Ella. i tell robin we lied to her so we could throw this party. robin says we fooled her and i was now a good husband. i already knew that i say. robin asks what we’re doing. nothing, i tell her, but we got cupcakes. robin already knows about the cupcakes. yeah, so much for the hidden cupcake surprise. thanks allot Stacy.

Hooper is there with Austin. Hooper a.k.a.Jason Hooper, is a good friend. just so happens he was the other cook at the pizza hut I used to slave at. we been good friends ever since. Austin, Can’t remember where or when i met him. He’s a good guy, but is always talking about a girl he met, is with, just dumped, or was just dumped by. They brought the liquor.

Robin was all ready drunk when we got there. I find out she had showered, got into pajamas and started drinking arbor mist. was still pissed at me. then people started to show u, so she redressed and i was forgiven.

People started talking and drinking. there was some drama about Bob coming over for robin’s party. Back story: Bob is Jessica’s ex boyfriend. Bob and Paco are friends but had some issues. Stacy didn’t think it was a good idea. Bob wanted to come. Jessica agreed with Stacy and then she called Bob and asked him not to come. I didn’t care either way.

I pull Hooper to the side and tell him he has an admire. I tell him who it is. I know Hooper, By the look on his face I could tell he was Calculating his odds of success. Hooper’s happy.

The limo pulls up and every one is excited. Robin was still inside, as planned so i drug her out and she screamed something when she saw it. I told her happy birthday. she again told me i was the best husband in the world. Again, this is stuff i all ready know.

Jessica still wasn’t there, they told her to be there at 8 Pm knowing she’d be late. it’s 9 PM Jessica shows up. I’ll never understand how women and time correlate.

The drivers name is Tim. Tim was pretty cool, and a bit strange. told us to do what ever we wanted and just wanted us to take care of him after the night was over. Ella no longer thinks I’m cheap. I tell everyone to save a few bucks for our buddy Tim and not to fuck up, or puke in the limo. if they did, it would cost them $400.00 and their head on a stake. they got the message. Tim asks where were going. D.C. I tell him.

Robin asks where?

The fucking, Coyote Ugly Club.

Robin’s happy.

We leave. I start drinking. Vodka and red bull. Robin’s playing princess. Steve and Phil thank me for the invite. Ella and Stacy are flirting with each other. Jessica starts putting on make up. Hooper is bar tending. Austin is text messaging some girl. Holly looks like she’s high. Paco’s got his corona. Everyone happy. I tell them to wish robin a happy birthday and remind them not to get out of hand, it’s her night. So the singing began.

More drinking. More Drinking. Laser light and strobe show in the limo. and Madonna is on the radio full blast. yeah, Madonna. I want to kill myself but I agree to let them hear 1 song.
Steve’s started in on the whiskey straight. Phil tapped a few doubles of grey goose. robin’s got her arbor mist in a wine glass. The girls are tipsy and start kissing each other. Us Guys Minus Steve enjoy the show.

Paco asks me to be his best man at his wedding. see i told ya he was Stacy’s future husband. I agree and pretend to start tearing up. I say i never been a best man before. he tells me I’ll have to wear a suit. I think for a second and ask if i can wear one of those Tee shirts with the tux design printed on it. He flat out says No. I tell him, I knew he was going to screw me over one day. We drink a corona together and Stacy and robin see us. they come over and give us lap dances. everyone is still happy.

We get to the Coyote Ugly Club. The bouncers lower the cover charge from $10 to $5. Phil has no money and starts bitching about the high cover. everyone looks at him and the bouncer laughs. someone called Phil Cheap. I’m off the hook. Steve pays Phil’s cover. Hooper lost his I.D. and was gambling on this. They Said No he couldn’t get in. Hooper persisted. The Bigger Bouncer said to let him in. Woot. Everyone made it in.

The place was crowed with people. Girls we’re dancing on the bars. Everyone of the chicks seemed hot. I was buzzing. that explained it. All the girls but Ella get up and start dancing across the bar. some guy offered to pay one of them $30 bucks to let his friend take a body shot off of them while they’re on the bar. I’m
not saying who it was or even if they excepted. wouldn’t be nice. They get down from the bar and one of them magically has $30 more dollars. oops.


more drinking. girls dancing. etc.

they go to the second floor where it’s set up more like a pub with a pull table. I check to make sure everyone is having a good time. Phil is mad and says we got to go. I ask why. he’s drunk and rambles on about a bouncer not letting him use the bathroom. I look into it and find out that Phil was trying to go into the girl’s room. drunk bastard. i try to explain to him to him why the bouncer wouldn’t let him use the bathroom on the second floor and gave him an in dept review of the differences between men and women. he didn’t get it. i asked Hooper for some help and together we drag Phil back to floor One where the men’s room is.

Phil manages to make it in to the men’s room with Hooper. Jessica shows up and I’m talking to her outside the bathroom door when she screams and jumps away. I look down and the floor is wet. I follow the trail with my eyes and it lead back to the man Right next to me. He’s got his cock out and straight up pissing on the floor, right in front of about 30 people. everyone starts backing away. I scream “What the Fuck man!” he doesn’t even respond and continues to pee on the floor. I back away as the puddle is rapidly approaching my feet and continue to yell at the guy from the other side of his Pee Pond. There was a black dude on the other side of peeing guy who apparently got a llittle splashed. he wasn’t impressed with peeing boy at all. the whole back portion of the bar was cleared out. people stuck on one side and the other. when peeing boy started walking away, the Black Dude yelled something and kicked the guy in the ass. hard. it was like a slip and slide, the guy just slid about 3 feet then fell on his face and slid some more. he was now covered in pee. I was no longer pissed off at pee boy, he he get it, pissed off, anymore. seeing what happened had me laughing my ass off. the pee boy was drug out by bouncers and i did a running jump over the pee pond. i had to shake the black dude’s hand.

So Phil and Hooper come out. missed the whole incident and i tell Phil that i now agree with him and we should go. i try to explain what happened and he kept saying that he stopped trying to pee in the girls room and everything was all right. i gave up explaining and went to get the rest of the group.

The Third floor of the bar was now open. Dance club style with a DJ. The girls were happy and dancing. robin tried to dance with me. not my thing. she gave up and danced with other people. Austin said he thought some girl was hot. I told him to talk to her. He never got the balls.

I tell everyone it’s time to go and we make our way out the front door. take a bunch of picture. there were 3 limos there, none of them ours. none of them were as cool as our limo either. so i call our buddy Tim the driver to come get us. we Wait a few. I notice Hooper and his admirer are flirting with each other. Go hoop. One of the girls gets the bright idea to start making out again. The guys liked the idea to. We wait for Tim

Tim had cleaned the limo. We get in and head to Baltimore. Holly who was quite most the night is now yelling out the window at cars we’re passing and making comments about how fast we’re going compared to the other cars. I start talking about the theory of relativity. No one pays attention so i shut up and have drink.

Robin was really drunk and kept biting me on the neck. normally this is cool but she didn’t seem to have a sense of pressure and I felt like i was in a Night of the living dead zombie movie and she was trying to actually bite a chuck of my neck off. I told her not so hard. she said alright, then bit me even harder. figures.

Jessica said she was smarter than me by ten IQ points. I corrected her and told her i was smarter. Paco made a comment that if we both had a negative I.Q. and if she had 60 and i had 50 then i would in fact be smarter. I congratulated him on his wit. Jessica looked like she didn’t get it. I said, told ya so and started talking to someone.

I tell Steve he should cut himself off. he seemed a bit to drunk he didn’t think my idea was a good one. we make it to fells point in record time. I tell holly that we might have been traveling at light speed. she was like right on dude but didn’t get the joke.

We end up in a bar called Rodos, not sure if that’s how it’s spelled. ( ROW-DOUGH-ES) in fells point. Stacy knows the people there and even Hooper got into the bar without a problem. It was to much of a thug bar for my taste. luckily they had a smaller bar area with a pool table near the back. that would be my home for the next two hours.

more drinking. at some point Phil started trying to get a bouncer to punch him in another part of the bar. what ever, i can’t be in two places at once. Steve found the pool table and wanted to play. he waited his turn put in the money and when he went to play. the other people playing said he had to have a partner or else he couldn’t play. Steve got mad and started talking shit. the guy wasn’t impressed. Steve insisted he play. i over heard all of this and when the guy tried to take Steve’s poll stick from him, i jumped up and offered to play on his team. Save 1.

everyone else is nowhere to be found. Paco said he was going to the bar ext door. i told him I’m paying pool (watching out for Steve) he got the message and left. Steve made like 5 shots in a row, some pretty tough ones too. he was taunting the fuck out of this guy and his partner. saying things like, I’m not going to make this shot. there is no way in hell I’m going to make this. Aww damn look man, look, i made. sorry man, i didn’t mean to make that one i swear. sarcastic as shit. again, the other guys we’re not impressed. the hole game this would go on, and he would get up in these guys face. I’d pull him away and tell him to fucking play pool. Save 2.

normally i wouldn’t care if he got in a fight. he was even picking the fight but it was robins birthday and i wasn’t going to let it happen. if it did happen then i wasn’t going to let both of these guys pound on Steve’s face…one of them maybe, that’s fair, but not both.

so Steve pretty much knocked in everything but the eight ball. the other guys we’re good. i know this from the first game. i didn’t do anything on the two shots i did take. i didn’t need to. Paco comes back and says the girls are ready to go. I’m up to shoot. I aim like I’m going to make the eight, that was sitting next to the pocket. easy shot, easy win. however,
if i made the shot 2 things would happen. Steve would continue to pick a fight and want to play again. so i aim right for the empty pocket and scratch on the 8ball. we loose. sorry Steve.


he says something to one of the guys and the guy gets in his face. estimate 10 seconds until a punch is thrown. i grab Steve by the back of his collier. laugh at the situation , with Paco’s help we pull him out of the guys face. i tell the guys sorry, tell them to have a good night. they know i i didn’t want any trouble and they also knew i wasn’t scared to get involved if there was, so they nod. we leave. Save 3.

first thing out side, Drama. 2 girls mad at each other A and B. . jealousy. names will be withheld to protect the innocent. robin is unhappy her princess birthday is messing up. Steve is mad. he wants to play pool. Phil is drunk he wanted more to drink Paco doesn’t care. Hooper like let’s go. time to call Tim

Tim’s on his way. the two girls are bickering. robin says make it stop. i grab girl A. and carry her away from girl B. i tell her to drop it, it’s robins birthday. she says o.k. she also says she mad and wants to go back and finish yelling at girl B. I tell her she didn’t understand the concept of ‘drop it’.

Girl B tll robin sorry. i tell girl B thanks. some people buy the girl rose’s I dont buy anyone rose’s i bought the limo. i now think everyone else is cheap. kidding. i ask where everone was in the bar. they tell me they all left to go to the pizza joint. I ask why nobody came and got me. they said they all thought someone else did. I was forgotten while playing pool. grrrrrrr. like stewie from the family guy i was think “I shall kill you all”

Tim shows up and we get in. I tell Tim to take us and drop Phil and Steve off. they were to drunk. on the ride back drama between girl A and B continued. Everyone else was sobering up it’s close to 2 AM the next time I checked. I told everyone they had a good time. I didn’t ask. I also said to myself, I got to write this up.

Somewhere on the way back, somehow, someone, not saying who managed to pull down one of the girls shirts like an ass. the girl was pissed. I got enoguh on my plate right now, robin is half passed out, Girl A and B are off and on argueing. then that happens. I tell hooper to take care of it. he says he’s got it. problem solved.

we drop phil and steve off. the girls stop to pee. we head back to paco and stacy’s house. Im completly sober by now and want to continue drinking. robin wants me to go to bed. everyone seems beat. holly jumps in her truck to do something. i notice smoke coming from her truck. she’ must be having a ciggerette. yeah.

Girl A and B make up. that was fast.robin wanted me. Austin wanted to leave hooper wanted to stay ella wanted to drink paco and stacy wanted to sleep. i dont know what jessica was doing and i had an idea what holly was upto and I really really wanted to get drunk.

In the end, somehow everyone decided to leave. they took the beer and the liqur. paco and stacy went to sleep. robin was calling me to bed. Next time it’s my turn to get drunk, I head up to bed.

God, Did i really just sit here and write all that?

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