No Bananas

Tanya sent me a craigslist link: FREE MONKEY TO GOOD HOME,(links dead now, but the ad said free monkey to good home. it was from a collage student who said he couldnt keep him and it had a phone number) I was all like “fuck yeah, a monkey!” It’s just one of those things you want but when you got the money you never think, ‘I’m going to buy me that monkey I always wanted’. But this monkey didn’t even need to be paid for, no sir, this monkey was 100% free to a good home. Guess what I have? A good home. Sounds like a match made in monkey heaven right?

Not so fast. There are some things to consider. Having a monkey is a big responsibility. Take a look what Dane Cook has to say about monkeys:

Hell yeah, now that I’ve brushed up on all the great things you can do with a monkey, like battling with swords and robbing banks, I really wanted him to be my new best friend. I could even name him after that ‘friends’ monkey. Not that I ever watched that show *cough cough*

But I’m married and as such I need to “”ASK “” before doing impulsive things like going out and buying a monkey. Or getting a free monkey for that matter. So I ask the wife in the nicest way any husband could. I tell her: “I want a goddamn monkey can i get one please please please!!!111 It’s free!! please!” But Robin’s all like, “hell no. No monkey for you.” Denied. Sad.

So I moved to plan B. I could pass this monkey off to a friend that obviously is a fan of our primate buds, Nik from (see what I mean?). But, as it turns out he too could not take this monkey, probably because of therising cost of bananas in the US. Fucking inflation.

No monkey for me. But while I was thinking about monkeys I remembered an old story I read on the internet when I first got a computer, I’d Like to share it will you all:

I like monkeys.

The pet store was selling them for five cents a peice. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gifthorse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn’t adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost it’s novelty halfway into it’s third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta’ dropped dead. Kinda’ like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys.

I didn’t know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys laying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had two hundred throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down my toilet. It didn’t work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn’t want to call the plumber. I was embarassed.

I tried to slow the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn’t all go bad.

I tried burning them. Little did I know that my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn’t improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them away but the garbageman said that the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn’t take that one either. I didn’t bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at my solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn’t know quite what to say. They pretended that they liked them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in their genitals.

I like monkeys.


After reading that, perhaps getting a free monkey isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. It might punch me in the nuts and die on me with in 24 hours.

Do you want a monkey? If so, leave me a comment and let me know why.



  1. Nik  August 9, 2007

    I should get him, I’d name him cornelius and train him to take over the world.

  2. Ashley  August 9, 2007

    I want a fucking monkey! & I almost got it. I would have driven all the way to Delaware. Too bad the add died.

  3. Phil  August 14, 2007

    So what kind of monkey is it? And you know they shit everywhere lol.


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