Irish Pirate

For the record, I only planned on going to a friendly game of poker and not the excessive amounts alcohol and the drunken stupidity that transformed me from a lowly unemployed airman of Irish heritage living in Dover DE. to an Irish pirate sailing in unfamiliar waters with only the bare necessities while being chased by another pirate ship intent on sinking our vessel and taking our much desired cargo….

The Facts:

Somehow I became and Irish Pirate last night. Before I explain, let’s go over a few points about why pirates rock.

  • Pirates say cool shit like “ARRRR!”
  • Pirates make people walk the plank.
  • Pirates wear eye patches and have Hooks for hands.
  • Pirates drink massive amount of alcohol.
  • Pirates have cool names.
  • Pirates pillage and plunder.
  • Pirates download music illegally.
  • Chicks Love Pirates.

Now let’s take a look at some points on why the Irish are so damn cool.

  • The color green.
  • Irish pubs.
  • leprechauns.
  • Guinness Beer.
  • 4 leaf clovers.
  • Irish car bombs.
  • Cool accents.
  • Chicks love Irish dudes.

The Poker Game:

The invitation came from Rob, poker at his house. after obtaining permission from my wife Robin, I excepted. it was the first time going to one of his games. 5 Players, Rob, Shaun, Adam, Terra, Myself. The game: .10/.20 blinds, $10.00 buy in, No-limit with re buys. I got there at around 8:00. Shaun and rob had been drinking for a few hours. The other 2 players, Adam and his wife had not yet arrived.

Started things off drinking Miller Light while watching Rob and Shaun play Mario cart with a few guys that I don’t recall actually meeting. When the other players got there we started the game. The early game was pretty uneventful, it seemed we we’re just trading stacks back and forth. at one point Rob busted out and did a re buy. shortly after he doubled up and cashed his re buy back out.

I wasn’t drinking that much because I was planning on an early night. Then out came the vodka and O.J. Shaun, Adam, Tera were still drinking beer. Rob poured a few screwdrivers for us to knock back. Everyone playing was a smoker, which meant multiple smoke breaks out on the porch. Some topics discussed were: Soco the cat and how she was a whore, work, what exactly a french Canadian is (I still don’t understand that shit) and why the Irish are better, etc.

Back at the game, everyone is getting louder and having a good time. there are two guys still playing Mario cart and at one point I look over to the T.V. and see a giant black sperm pulling a cart. Wtf? someone told me it was a “big ball and chain” those who remember anything about Mario might remember those so, o.k. whatever.

I call robin, It’s about 10:45, I tell her I’m going to play for awhile longer and then I’ll be heading home. She says Fine. Moments later I realize the bottle of vodka Rob and I we’re drinking was empty and a huge bottle of cherry vodka was sitting on the table. I don’t think I’m leaving anytime soon after all. .

Adam and his wife leave due to work in the morning. We cash them out and continue to play and play badly. more shots and more beers. I grabbed my phone and snapped a few pictures.

The Pirates:

At some point, everyone else clears out of the house. the game gets boring. We drink more shots and have a few more beers. after they take a smoke break they start talking about boating.there is a huge lake behind the apartment complex and Rob’s telling us about a few rafts he has. the time is roughly 1:20 in the morning. they decide the best course of action is to abandon the game, blow up the rafts, and go out in the lake. still thinking they are kidding I mimic a pirate voice, and finish off my beer.

My judgment must have been fucked, for they were not kidding, because the next thing I know rob has 3 un-inflated life rafts, 1 pump, 6 paddles, 1 cooler of beer, and 1 bag of ‘Cool Ranch Doritos’

“let’s fucking go!”, Rob says.

I was thinking, Shit they are going to drown, all the while I’m gathering my things to go home.

“your fucking going with us Mallory, can’t pussy out on us now, YEAH!!!”, Shaun says.

“fuck me” I say, “were ALL going to fucking drown”

Shaun kept talking about ‘ramming us over and over’ and battleships he is a some kind of broke back mountain/ navy fan boy. after asking him to keep the gayness to a minimal we gather up the gear and head down to the doc.

A sign reads ‘No Swimming’ Shaun starts laughing. he says “I hope the boats don’t sink cause it looks like we are NOT aloud to swim!”

After a second I got the joke and laughed with him, but then I stopped because in a moment of clarity I realized how stupid of an idea this was and there is a good chance we will all end up trying to swim to shore. I dip my hand into the water. it was about 1 degree warmer than ICE FUCKING COLD. Oh well, lets go sailing ARRRRRR!!.

They had the boats ready to blow up, the first one, a single man boat went pretty fast with Shaun on the hand pump. After it was fully inflated he handed me the pump and we began getting the next boat ready.

This boat was the 3 man, after about 1 minute of using the hand pump I was getting tired ( it’s a big fucking raft) so I pump faster while screaming out sexually explicit things and breathing heavily. That lasted about 10 seconds and then I heard a something that sounded like a branch breaking and felt a slight ‘pop’ inside the pump. It stopped working.

“What the fuck! pump’s busted”
“oh well lets blow it up manually”

Rob started taking deep breaths and blowing up the raft. Shaun is asking about a Vacuum cleaner. I thinking Rob is going to pass out and Shaun has lost it. somehow he actually manages to get the thing inflated. they decide to forget the third boat and just take the two. seeing how blowing up that one almost killed him I agreed.

I wanted to call the single man raft but Shaun had beat me too it. They toss the rafts in the water and we all jump in. It didn’t sink, so far so good. Shouting shit with a pirate accent and calling each other scurvy dogs we start paddling. Rob and I pop open a few beers and begin rowing out to the fucking center of the lake. looking back we see Shaun in his boat going in circles.

“What the fuck are you doing!”
“I lost a paddle”
“ha ha ha….ARRRR”

we went back to where he was stuck, no paddle in sight. I give Shaun one of mine because rob was a lot better at this and he was rowing. we begin out. rob makes it near the middle and i pop open a beer. I down about half of it. Chilling out in the lake eating Doritos. good times. but where was Shaun?

Looking back yet again, Shaun is going in a circle about 1/3 away from shore. he says “fuck! I broke this paddle!” That’s 2 of them now. not having much room I set my half drunk beer in the water in a way that it would float, so I could grab the other ore to give to Shaun. once i managed to get it, I reached over to grab my beer but it was gone.

we start to row back to where Shaun is and rob says “ha ha A fucking beer is floating in the water!” “shit that’s mine, get it!” he grabbed it and handed it to me. woot. We get back to Shaun and I hand him my last paddle and I think we are finally ready to go. we make it a few feet ahead of him and that’s about when I look over and see him trying to stand up in his raft and then tries to pee over the edge. the fucking boat was rocking and damn near capsized. he almost fell out. we we’re rowing as fast as we could to get to him just in case. it was close. but all he managed to do was piss all over his boat and I’m guessing himself.

Having drank 2 1/2 beers, eaten a half bag of chips, attempted a rescue at sea, broke one pump and lost 2 ores It was time to call it a night. the time was around 2:45 Shit. Robin was going to be pissed, but at least I was still dry.

Pulling up to the dock Rob tries to push himself up and out, bad idea. we took on a flood of the Ice Fucking Cold water. Fuck. he gets out. I manage to get out. my ass is soaked. I tell them I have to go if I want to live to see the next day. yes, my wife would kill me if I didn’t come home. They started pulling up the rafts when one of them said ” let’s fucking go back out” to which the other replied “hell yeah!” good luck to them. No offense but I wouldn’t want to be the one sharing the raft with Shaun.

I head back to Rob’s to grab my stuff. I’m guessing they did head back out. I called robin, it was just shy of 3 AM, and I had about 12 missed calls from her. Fuck me. She basically told me to get my wet ass home, which I did.

The Memorial Service:

As for Rob and Shaun, well, I haven’t hard from them since I left and in all likely hood they capsized, listened to the posted sign about Not swimming and therefor were lost at sea.

Here are the pictures from the poker game in remembrance of these two pirates, whom where brave, yet were not Irish…. or maybe they were. whatever.




  1. Jeremy  May 12, 2006

    HAAHA!! Look at you loosers!! Why no pics from the lake?

  2. Robin  May 12, 2006

    Dumb Asses

  3. Kris  May 12, 2006

    i wish i could have got some but it was way too dark for the camera phone. :-(

  4. Sean  May 13, 2006

    Haha u missed the best part. If I could remember what all happened i would tell you, but all i know is we made it to the other side and committed some petty vandalism. 😀

  5. Kris  May 14, 2006

    well im glad yur not dead haha


Add a Comment

  1. dsdew  November 3, 2010