I might be Jesus!

I picked up Robin from work and we went to lunch at the lobby house in Dover. It’s a decent little bar and grill with a nice outside sitting area overlooking a pond. It was a sunny day so we decided to sit outside by the water. We ordered our food, Robin had a Steak wrap and I went with a Pastromi sandwich. While waiting for our food I begin to get bored. I decided to pluck at Robin’s nerves a bit. A little bit innocent fun.

The main topic of the day is the death of a friends pet. I am sorry for her loss and I hope she doesn’t get offended with this part of the story. See, Her dog ran out of the house and was stuck by a speeding car. The car did not even stop. I mentioned to Robin that perhaps this guy didn’t see the dog or know he had even hit it. She said it was impossible because you would feel the impact. I disagreed with her and she asked me If I had ever hit an animal…

“No..well, yes, kinda” , I said.
“well I had a cat commit suicide by SUV”
“Well I was driving along mountain Rd. and there was a cat right in the street sitting there”
“your evil”
“anyway, the cat casually walked out of the road as I got closer”
“well, then I was just about to go past and the cat LEAPED right in front of me and hit my grill and I am assuming tires as well. It didn’t look so good in the rear view mirror as i was driving away”
“Oh my god you didn’t stop, what if it was bear and someone hit him”
“obviously the cat was sick with his life and just wanted it all to be over, if bear was stupid enough to walk out of the road only to jump back into the cars path at the last possible second, screw him”

She continued to call me a cold hearted, evil, mean spirited and other things.

To continue my nerve plucking, I start to look for inspiration. Across the pond on the road, about 100 yards away, I see a person walking.

“Man, If I had a Rifle I could nail them from here”

I explained that I may be able to hit something further but 100 yards is pretty good. She just shook her head and gave me dirty looks. I don’t know what made me think about it, but turned out to be pretty funny, looking at the pond i said:

“would you love me if I could turn water into wine”
“hell yeah”
“what if i could only turn it into Boones Farm?
“ha ha. no.”
“damn…what if I could walk on water?”
“uh, sure”
seeing her pickle on her plate I asked:
“what if i could turn a cucumber into a pickle”
yes, I know something is wrong with me.

So we got our food and my sandwich didn’t have any mustard on it so i asked for a side of it. with a rolling of the eyes, she tried to take my plate. I explained that there was no need to take my plate back to the kitchen for some disgruntled cook to spit on my food, or worse. No, I think I could manage spreading mustard on my hot tasty pastrami sandwich. I just needed a little in a side cup, thanks. with that she left. She comes back a few minutes later with a whole fucking jar of gray poupon. Thanks, Bitch.I honestly wanted that much mustard.

After the meal, the waitress brought the bill. I picked up the tray with robin’s credit card in it so I could examine the bill to see if everything was right. Robin said something to me about putting it down. I guess so that the waitress could ring it up. I didn’t like her tone but I layed it down. Robin asked me how much of a tip we should leave. I thought, the tip could be: “stupid people should be shot” but we went with 15% instead. When the waitress brought back the check, I grabbed Robin’s credit card and tossed it on the ground.

“pick it up!” she said
I just smile.
“damn it pick up my card!” very demanding she is.
All Smiles.
No doubt people we’re watching us. probably with dumb founded looks on thier faces, wondering what the hell we where doing.
“damn you Kris”
she bent down and grabbed the card and paid the bill. I rule.

Leaving the lobby house, robin in front of me, i mock like I’m going to kick her in the ass. everyone sees. Most these people here are “I’m better than you” types. and I don’t give a fuck what they think about me. I smile at a blonde waitress. Robin is not amused.

Outside she informed me:
“You treading on water, Mister”
I stop. “I’m What?, Treading on water, what the fuck? “
“Uh, Uh I mean…”
“OH I can walk on water! I knew it”
“Uh…No.. I meant..”
“You think I’m Jesus!”
“No, I meant Your on thin Ice”
“I Know what you meant. It’s O.k. Jesus Forgives you”
“Come on dammit, I’m Late!

I honestly thought steam was going to come out her ears, she looked so mad. We jump in the car and I gun the engine a few times so she slams back in her seat. i speed up the steep ramp,leaving the lobby house, driving crazy, I am, but that’s not the point. In front of her work I hit the breaks hard enough so she is flung forward against the seat belt.

“JESUS CHRIST, Asshole!” ,she said

I slowly turn my head towards her, huge grin, i say




  1. chrissy  April 27, 2006

    Dude you mean.

  2. edward  April 27, 2006

    You are awesome!!!! I mean frikkin awesome.

  3. jesse  April 27, 2006

    awsome funny story thank god the cat has 9 lives

  4. Amy  April 27, 2006

    That wasn’t funny. That was just plain mean. Your an ass. Your also lucky that someone in that restaurant didn’t hit you.

  5. Beercrazyjen  April 27, 2006

    You were mean, and if your wife divorces you for mental cruelty I wouldn’t blame her. You weren’t plucking her nerves, you were using power and control. Not cool.

  6. Jessica  April 27, 2006

    HAHAHAHAHAHA that was some funny shit (the I’m Jesus but, not the I hit a cat bit)….except for the speeding thing…slow the fuck down so you don’t hit anyone or any animals

  7. Robin  April 27, 2006

    I would like to thank all the women who agree with me. He was being a straight up ASS. LOL!

  8. Jeremy  April 28, 2006

    lmao!! I could totally see you two in this kind of arguement, and kris doing that. even though you told me about it last night, I still laughed when I read it.


Add a Comment