Chess

there was a time when i could look at you.
clear as day, see the soul in blue eyes.
as time went on they became a darker grey,
left to only wonder what lies behind.
unfair how you had changed the rules,
forced to play the game of deceit and lies.
set in your ways, so unfair, but, lord knows, I was set in mine.
so much i gave to you and so much I was denied.
lost and confused, scared to make a move,
best i could hope was to survive.
now it’s all over, check mate, i lose.
yeah, well, atleast i tried.

1

Comments

  1. Poetess Laureate  August 10, 2006

    there was a time when i could look at you.
    clear as day, see the soul in blue eyes.

    Seeing the soul in the eyes is a bit trite, but you’ve saved it by “blue” eyes – getting a little more specific.

    as time went on they became a darker grey,
    I like reflecting the change this way, but something about the line itself bothers me. I think it’s “they” – it’s weak.

    left to only wonder what lies behind.
    unfair how you had changed the rules,
    forced to play the game of deceit and lies.

    Chess is a game – and even one where some strategies might seem deceitful. Might be interesting to tie this in even more to the later chess match imagery.

    set in your ways, lord knows I was set in mine.
    so much i gave to you and so much I was denied.
    lost and confused, scared to make a move,

    We make moves in Chess as well; it might be interesting to tie this in even more to the later chess match imagery.

    best i could hope was to survive.
    now it’s all over, check mate, i loose.
    lose.

    well, at least i fucking tried.
    You mentioned you’re editing out the profanity. Be sure to replace it with something that will still keep the rhythm.

    Overall: capitalization. The rhythms seem a little erratic, but that may work out fine in the end by the time it’s set to the music.

    reply

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